Self-Sabotage Dressed as Pride

I am a proud lady. Those who know me very well can attest to this. It comes from too much love from my parents and a lot of affirmation from my dad. Yes, I am a total daddy’s girl. I recently turned 30 and it’s like there is this need for me to lead an honest life that has just overwhelmed me; I am almost drowning in it. In my head, I think I was doing fine. I mean, why bare it all anyways? Human beings have proven not to be able to deal. But my inside person refuses to be taken for a ride. She’s done with the masks and characters and wants her real self to shine. And she has rules on how we are going to achieve that and part of the rules are “Honesty. Authenticity. Owning up.” I really don’t see the big deal in it but well, I’m stuck with self.

My first story in this journey is how pride led me to break off an engagement and walk away to my high school sweetheart. Now, I’ve got to put out a few things out there first; maybe just one. I am a full time creature of habit and I don’t really like change, though once it happens, I adapt quite easily. Yes, I surprise myself as well. Anyways, this guy, known him since I was 16. Didn’t pay too much attention to him then. He had too many girls fighting for his attention and my pride cannot allow me to get in the ring with other girls! Anyways, fast forward, our paths cross five years after high school via Facebook and we hit it off. We date for a year. I think we were too young. We break up. Okay, I break up with him. Three years later he’s back in my life. We get engaged and I think that stuff scares the heavens out of me. 3 months into the engagement, I call it off. This is where all the juice is!

We did have our differences but which relationship is perfect? He did hurt me by some of the things he said, but I also hurt him. At that point though, I was playing the victim and that blinded me from seeing his pain. I had never doubted that he loved me, I just let my insecurities run the show and oh boy, did they not have a blast? I walked away. He pleaded with me to reconsider but I could not. I had my head so high up in my tush that I could not step aside and be objective. It took me two years after the break up and him moving on and being happy, for me to see my faults.

I was too proud earlier to accept any wrong-doing in the whole situation. I had already sold him off as the villain to my family and friends. But then, this inner self and wanting to live life differently and honestly forced me to stop and actually take stock of my life and I was not proud anymore. I was a bit ashamed actually. I was afraid to move away from the only place I have ever called home. That is what was wrapped up under a lot of other things. He was not ever going to be able to do right by me because somewhere deep down, relocating was not something I was excited about doing. And my pride had hidden it so well, that even I did not see it then. But he did. And he mentioned it. And I got mad at him for saying it. And so two years later, I finally face my fears but it’s too late to make amends; he’s moved on and is happy. I can see it in his social media once in a while when I look him up or one of my friends sends me a photo of him, telling me of the life I could have had.

When I saw the truth, I texted him and apologized for my role in the whole break-up and I apologized for the hurt I caused him. Even when he told me he was hurting, I did not have it in me to really see or feel it; I was too absorbed in my world. And then he did not respond to it. I mean, who does that? Lol. I pour out my heart and he just moves on like it’s nothing? Well, it probably is nothing to him now. I mean, he healed and has found someone who he’s happy with. Why bother with the ex?

Do I sound bitter? I’m not; honestly. I am just a control freak who would have appreciated his acknowledging receipt of my message but I know, if it was me, I probably would have reacted in the same way. Leave the ex in the past. I did love him; I’ll probably always love him but writing is my therapy. I was able to be honest with him and apologize. I think I have paid my dues as far as that is concerned. I wish him all the happiness in the world; he deserves it, like we all do.

This was a difficult write, but I enjoyed it. I am reconnecting with myself through my words and I love it and I had missed it. I am a contradiction; at times I do not get myself but I have the rest of my life to figure me out; no hurry, yes? I will bare my soul yet again soon. And I feel I need to deal with the life that has been my relationship life if I am to move forward and have a healthy relationship with another human being. I truly I’m out of the dating market. Connecting with self now is the priority.

Stick around; you may learn a thing or two or simply just get entertained with my dramas!

Ms. Mollah

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